I wasn't sure if and when I would open up about this on my blog. But it has been something that has been weighing on my heart for some time now. On the surface to many my life looks great. I have been married for 9 years to a wonderful husband and have two beautiful kids. I also completed my first half marathon in May, and I'm working on other goals. On the surface life is good.
But beneath the surface, I had a painful experience. This event happened a year ago today, and it has been the second hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life. It's difficult to talk about, but I would like to open up about it.
During my life, I've had friends who have come and gone. But I hadn't had many best friends. Growing up, I remember watching my sister make friends with seemingly little effort. I wished that I could do that, but I was quite shy. Fortunately, my sister's friends would hang out with me as well.
When I went to Bible School in Ecuador I started to open up some more and befriended a number of my classmates. Things really took off when I started working at Tim Hortons after Bible School. I was forced to interact with customers on a daily basis. I also made friends with some of my co-workers.
After I moved to Alberta, I started attending Lethbridge College. This made me interact with more people than I had before, and it pushed me out of my comfort zone.
During that time in college, I met M. She had this contagious bubbly personality it was hard to not be around her. She had lots to talk about, and she genuinely wanted to be my friend. We discovered that we were both homeschooled. I think that was something that we had in common when we first started chatting. We were both taking the same program, but her major was in a different area.
After graduation, she moved away for a period of time. We would write handwritten mail letters to each other back and forth. I enjoyed writing and receiving the letters. It was the perfect way for us to stay in touch, and I greatly anticipated each new letter.
After a while, she moved back to Lethbridge and was working. We may not have seen each other every week, but we did get together frequently.
Later on, she moved away for a different job. We kept in touch, and a big mark of our friendship was writing letters to each other.
For a time, we didn't talk as frequently as she was busy with her job. We still kept up regular correspondence. Over time, we started talking about sewing and fitness. This helped deepen our friendship, as we would encourage each other in our respective journeys. We would send each other audio messages on WhatsApp back and forth daily. M was always telling me about her thrift store treasures or some random adventure. I looked forward to her messages.
We also would send each other presents by mail too. She often would find things my kids or I might like during her thrift store jaunts and mail them to me. Giving gifts was her love language. Many of my birthdays were filled with a package from M. She always knew my interests so well.
I feel like I often didn't reciprocate the gifts as often as she would, but I did appreciate them. I also know that when I did send her a token she appreciated it too.
M was actually the person that inspired me to start running. She was always talking about her Canada Army Run marathons or other races. I never saw myself running, but seeing her run made me want to at least try.
I thought our friendship was going well until August 16th, 2022. Prior to that day, she had been freshly diagnosed with a neurodivergent diagnosis. I am not going to go into specifics here. But at that moment in her life, I started to notice that her thought processes were changing a bit, as she began to discover more about her diagnosis. I told her that I was there for her as she navigated her diagnosis. But I could tell that some things seemed different.
For some reason, on August 16th, I decided to send her a message asking her not to send any more books for the kids. At the time, my kids weren't into reading, and would just tear the books up. I didn't want her to waste her money and time on something that went unappreciated. As a side note, Aria loves books now and reads roughly 20 a week now.
As I reflect back to that day, I know that our break up wasn't solely to do with the fact that I had asked her to stop sending the books to my kids. I believe it was centred mostly around the changes she was making in her life at the time, and navigating her neurodivergent diagnosis.
I sent the message with good intentions and had hoped that she would understand. Unfortunately, the message caused a cascade reaction. She blocked me on WhatsApp, Facebook,, Instagram and Garmin Connect. I tried everything I could think of to reach out to her. I wrote her a letter, left voicemail messages, and just made a genuine attempt to clear the air. Unfortunately, all of my efforts were in vain.
I remember crying for days in the beginning. I felt like I lost my best friend. She may never have seen me as a best friend, but she honestly was mine. She was the person I could turn to when I was sad, and the person I could talk to about anything.
I didn't hear from her until October 31, 2022. I came home from work to a small envelope addressed to me. She told me she had received my letter and my messages. She believed at the time that she couldn't be the friend anymore that she once was. She told me she had let go of a lot of friends in her life. She said I should focus on my family and forget her.
That letter made me cry all over again. Through the following months, I found it quite difficult. I even had thoughts of self-harm come to my mind. Thankfully I don't have those thoughts anymore.
Before this incident, I had talked with her about possibly running a half marathon. When the time came to sign up, I wasn't sure if I should still do it. But I decided to sign up and train, even if she didn't want to be part of my journey. I thought of her a lot during my training cycle but kept pushing myself forward.
When the day of the Calgary Marathon came, I couldn't help but shed a tear. I was sad that M wouldn't be there, even with just an encouraging word or to celebrate at the end.
My husband was going to come to cheer me on, but unfortunately, he couldn't be there due to health issues. My aunt was at the finish line cheering me on, and that made me cry. I haven't had many people be at the end of most of my races, so her being there meant a lot to me.
I may have lost my best friend, but those memories will still stay with me for a lifetime. Part of me still hopes and prays that one day we will somehow reconnect. But if it doesn't happen this is a door that has closed, and will reopen for another friend that will come into my life.
We have three types of friends in life. Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime. I always saw M as my friend for a lifetime, but I guess I was wrong.
During those days when I was manic and in the hospital M was praying for me and walked through those days with me. I wish that I could have done the same for her during her neurodivergent diagnosis.
“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
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