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I would like to introduce Becca from @hellobipolarpositivity. She will be my first interviewee and will be sharing her Bipolar story with us.
Opening up about Bipolar isn't easy. There are a lot of ups and downs to achieve a state of equilibrium. I would like to thank Becca for being willing to share her story. I hope that through sharing our stories, we can break some of the stigma surrounding Bipolar and other Mental Health issues.
I met Becca through the Bipolar Now Podcast Facebook group and then connected some more with her on her Instagram.
I considered making this story a two-part blog post, but after some consideration, I decided to make it all as one to keep the story coherent. I have also kept Becca's words as her own to make the story more authentic.
Tell me a little about yourself.
Well, I was diagnosed with Bipolar when I was just a teenager in high school. I had been taking antidepressants for my clinical depression for a few years and it eventually sent me spiraling into a manic episode for three weeks or so. I had about 3 major manic attacks by the time I started my freshman year of college and had to drop out a few months later.
I went to community college for 2 years and transferred to a university in San Antonio, TX where I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Music and a minor in Psychology. My life's passion is playing music. It's just so uplifting and always helps me feel better.
Along the way, I got diagnosed with ADHD and hypothyroidism as well. One day I hope to author my own book on dealing with Bipolar, from a patient's perspective. Currently, I live with my fiance and our yorkie terrier mix and we're taking life one step at a time.
What type of Bipolar do you have?
My original diagnosis was Bipolar Depression. These days you may know it as Bipolar 1.
When were you diagnosed? Did you suspect you might have had it in childhood?
I was diagnosed in my teens, roughly 14 years ago. Nope, I never suspected I had it in childhood. I was a pretty quiet child when I was growing up, I liked to do things on my own and rarely did anything that would label me a problem child and I had a handful of close friends I would hang out with.
When were you diagnosed did you know of anyone else that had Bipolar?
Does anyone in your family with it?
I treated Bipolar as if it was a plague and I did not know anyone who had Bipolar when I was diagnosed. I had loosely heard the term and had no idea what it truly meant to have Bipolar.
I did not know of anyone else with Bipolar until around college. I just kept it hidden from most people during high school and college. My mother might have had it when she was alive or some other form of Bipolar. She was very secretive about her mental health so I never truly knew what she was diagnosed with.
What has been the most challenging thing since you were diagnosed?
The most challenging thing was coping with Bipolar. How do you live with a mental disorder that controls your emotions and makes you someone you hardly recognize? It was definitely difficult at first. I am very thankful that my parents had me working with a psychiatrist and therapist when I was a teenager and in college, so I felt much more prepared for dealing with it as a young adult.
Another thing was continuing my life as if nothing happened and everything was cool. I worked really hard to stay functional and rarely ever show my bipolar symptoms to anyone. I know now that suppression is never a good thing but at the time I just wanted to forget I had to cope with it on a 24/7 basis.
How many medication changes have you gone through since you were first diagnosed?
I went through a lot of changes during the first few years of my diagnosis, but once my doctor found a combination that worked, I have stuck to the same medication and its dosage ever since.
Which was the worst side effect you’ve had on a medication?
When the doctor put me on lithium, I would throw it up, so that was not pleasant, to say the least. The most long-term side effect of current medicine has been weight gain, so I have to watch what I eat and exercise regularly. As a side note, please never take a medication based on the advice of others. Always consult a psychiatric professional regarding what is best to take for your condition.
Have you been hospitalized? What was it like being hospitalized?
I was hospitalized during my first manic episode, which is also where I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I absolutely hated being hospitalized. I was suffering from delusions, lack of sleep, manic energy, and psychosis. I had no idea why I was in the mental hospital and I had to deal with the other patients.
Have you seen anyone else become hospitalized from it? How did it feel looking from the outside?
To be honest, I have not seen anyone have a bipolar episode before or become hospitalized for bipolar. I have however followed other people on Instagram who were hospitalized and it always takes me back to those three weeks I spent at the psychiatric ward.
What is one thing you wish was different in how people are treated during a hospitalization?
It would be nice if people were treated in all events of hospitalization like they're normal human beings, not like some animal who just escaped the zoo. I recall being treated pretty well, but I have heard horror stories from others.
What resources should be made available during hospitalization?
Music therapy, it's the art of using music to achieve non-musical goals. I once tried to earn a degree in it and had to do a practicum at a mental health hospital. Seeing the impact that musical activities had on the patients' mood, sense of calm, and disposition was incredible.
What item in the hospital did you appreciate having the most during your stay?
I liked having a blanket my mom crocheted and gave to me in the hospital. It was really comforting.
What kind of support have you found throughout your diagnosis?
I have found all kinds of forms of support over the years. Initially, it was just support from mental health professionals and my family, but as I got more confident over the years, I started to confide in my best friends and extended family and they have been incredibly supportive of my life with bipolar.
A few years after college, I started an Instagram page @hellobipolarpositivity, and it has gotten me in touch with people in the bipolar community that I may have never met if I did not do that.
I also found support in reading books, like "Welcome to the Jungle" by Hilary Smith. She's a Canadian author and she wrote about when she was first diagnosed with bipolar and gave all these tips on dealing with bipolar. She's probably the biggest reason I have confidence in handling my Bipolar.
Then, I discovered the Bipolar Now Podcast by Mike Lardi and then I got to meet so many awesome bipolar warriors!
Who is your “person” or “lifer” that has stuck with you since the beginning, or someone who has been your biggest support?
My dad has been there for me since the beginning. He would sit in with me on my psychiatry sessions and I could always talk with him if I was struggling. He has been my biggest support for the longest time and has seen me at my best and worst moments of bipolar.
What is the best thing someone said to you early on in your diagnosis?
My first therapist post-diagnosis taught me to take life one step at a time. In the beginning, I had some brain fog and it was hard to remember things, so I had to write everything down, a practice I do on a daily basis still.
I have learned that taking things as they come is the best way to avoid getting overwhelmed by your bipolar or other mental health issues. At the same time, taking steps ahead of time, and staying vigilant, is the best way for me to stay ahead of whatever my bipolar has in store.
Have you found anything local in your community for support?
I haven't found specific bipolar support in my local community, but I have in my social media bipolar community.
What is one thing you have bought/done/said when you have been manic that you regret?
My biggest regret is worrying my family and friends during my manic episodes. Just to see the look of shock on their faces and genuine fear for what I might do has been the most regrettable thing for me.
Probably the scariest thing I did on my first manic episode was I unintentionally ran away from home on one of my manic adventures. My dad had to find me and my dog I had been walking at the time in a far away subdivision in the middle of the night.
On a silly note for what I have bought, one time I got a bit spendy at Best Buy, an electronics store, and I bought a few DVDs and several CDs. But so far I have never had any significant damage done from full-blown mania.
What was it like being manic for the first time? Did you have any religious or type of delusions?
I just remember suddenly being convinced that I was an archaeologist, like I would find things in my yard and would think they were from past civilizations. I was also convinced that I knew famous book illustrators from long ago and I was an incredible dancer. The delusions changed on a daily basis.
On the second manic episode, it was highly religious, I thought I was chosen by God for some high purpose and that I was a really holy being and had cosmic powers. I also thought I was super famous, that seems to be a common thread.
Do you ever have flashbacks to your manic times, or have you found being in a certain place brings you back to that time?
I get flashbacks sometimes but they happened so long ago that they don't affect me very much. I did get a strong flashback one time when I was hypomanic and playing the guitar. I remembered the times I was manic when I would play the guitar and think I was a children's songwriter. It actually helped me recognize that I was manic, or at least hypomanic, a milder form of mania.
Who was the first to notice you were manic or knew something was off?
My family is always the first to notice when something is off. Most recently it was my sister who noticed something was off when I was genuinely happy and super upbeat the day after my mother died of cancer. Unbeknownst to me, I had slipped into a hypomanic state the morning of. As for myself, it took me a week before I realized it.
Do you have any warning signs or clues that you are about to go depressive or manic?
Probably the biggest warning sign is either having too little sleep (mania) or too much sleep (depression). Sleep is insanely important and I don't think enough people suffering from Bipolar realize that.
What is one thing that has helped you make it easier to live with Bipolar?
Aside from taking medicine and lots of supplements, having a strong support system behind me has made it so much easier to live with Bipolar. For example, one of the conditions of my relationship with my fiance is that we accept and love each other for who we are and what we have.
He has been tremendously supportive of my bipolar issues, as well as ADHD and everything else. He's helped me discover new supplements, like Magnesium and GABA, that make it easier to manage my mood. He also makes sure that I'm on a regular sleeping and eating schedule and that I exercise no matter how stubborn I may get.
What is the hardest part of going through a depressive episode?
The hardest part of going through depression is not knowing when you will get through it. My generally friendly and optimistic attitude generally goes out the window when I'm going through depression, and it sucks never knowing how long it will last. Motivating myself is also really hard and I just find I want to stay in bed and nap my life away during depressive episodes.
What is your top coping strategy when you are in a depressive phase?
Shower. It may sound silly but showering really helps me feel better. When you are depressed, probably the first thing to do is hygiene. You don't want to shower, bathe, or do anything productive, it's just how depression works.
However, when I force myself to take a feel-good, smell-good shower, I immediately feel a little better and more energized.
How can we help break the stigma of Mental Health?
We can help break the stigma by sharing that we not only have mental health problems but that we deal with them like grown-ups. We're not all druggies, alcoholics, jailbirds, or suicidal people, no offense to those who are.
The majority of us are just like any other people, except we're dealing with balancing our brains' chemistry. We need to normalize that bipolar is just something some people deal with, just like any other health condition. By making bipolar something to fear, that is hurting the stigma and not helping matters at all.
What contributes to being able to live a fairly normal life with Bipolar?
Honestly, just take care of yourself and be extra vigilant about your mental, spiritual, physical, and social health.
For me, I have daily routines that I stick to and don't deviate from. I go to bed around the same time and wake up at the same time, take my medicine on time, and I also try to squeeze important things in like eating healthy foods, exercising, and occupying my mind with other things. Just finding your healthy routine and staying with it is a lifesaver.
What is one thing you have learned about yourself since being diagnosed?
I learned that having Bipolar has not stopped me from living my life, in fact, it has encouraged me to live my best life. The way I see it is you can either learn to live with it or spend your life loathing it and succumbing to it.
I never give up when it comes to achieving my dreams, if I get knocked down, I rise up and keep fighting. I could have chosen to give up many times but I told myself that giving up is letting my bipolar win and I can't have that.
What is one thing you wish everyone knew about Bipolar?
I wish everyone knew that Bipolar is not the end of the world if you get diagnosed. It's not like when you're tagged on freeze tag that you can't move and you're out of the game.
You can live well with Bipolar, it's just not going to happen overnight. It's going to take time but it will be so worth it in the end.
If you could give one piece of advice to yourself from when you were first diagnosed, what would it be?
I would tell myself, "I know this really sucks, but trust me, it's going to get so much better.
I hope that Becca's story gave you some insight into the ups and downs of living with Bipolar. If you want to connect with her you can find her on Instagram @hellobipolarpositivity.
If you have a story you would like to share relating to your mental health or fitness journey you can email me at running4bipolar@gmail.com. I look forwards to sharing more stories like Becca's on my blog.
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