As I look back to last June, I was at one of the lowest places in my life. I had been discharged for the second time from the hospital, and was ready to get back to living a relatively normal life. Instead, when I came home my kids had gone to visit my husband's extended family with their grandparents. So, it was just my hubby and I at home for a month. Under normal circumstances, this would have be an excellent time to do things without the kids in the picture. But for me, I missed the kids a lot and I felt depressed.
My psychiatrist recommended going for a walk daily to help with my mood and mental health. I remember not having the energy to step outside my door, but I pushed myself to do it anyways. Most days my legs felt heavy and I had to really push myself to go for the entire walk. I hated it, but at the same time going for a walk felt like I was getting back to my old self.
During this time, I did a search on Spotify for, "Bipolar” and came across a podcast by Mike Lardi called, The Bipolar Now Podcast. His voice was very genuine, and energetic. So, I started listening to the podcast every time I would go for a walk. I think the podcast really helped me through those dark days. I eventually joined the Facebook group entitled "The Bipolar Now Podcast". I wasn't that active in the group in the beginning, but in the last couple months I have been fairly involved in the group. It has been a way to connect with others with Bipolar, and help support one another.
Last summer was a very dark time for me. I remember having thoughts of suicide and being very depressed. I don't think I ever would have actually cut myself, but the thoughts were there. My mom would say to me, "How would your kids feel if you weren't there anymore?" I don't think I really took those thoughts to heart until months later. The side effects of my medications were bad, and I couldn't help thinking those kind of thoughts.
The depression continued into the fall. I felt that I would never get out of that depressed state, but eventually I did. I honestly believe it was the walking that really helped me. Even today I tell people the walking has been my therapy.
So, on Friday morning I woke up at 6 a.m. to do my longest walk yet, I knew without a doubt I could do it. I remember months driving by the area and thinking to myself, "One day I am going to walk this route." Through the spring I had been building up the momentum by walking a lot of 5km walks, so I knew that 7km would only be a bit longer. But Friday morning I decided this would be the day. My husband was off of work that day, and I knew that it would be another hot day, so it made sense to start early morning. The air was fresh, and it felt amazing to be walking in the early morning light. In the beginning I dreaded the couple hills on the route, but they actually weren't as tough as I initially imagined.
I saw myself slowing down at the end of the walk, but no matter what I aimed to continue. I knew I could do it.
As I reminisce to last year, without a doubt I wouldn’t have been able to do this walk nor a 5KM. But this summer already has been different to last. I am very proud of where I am now, and what I have already done. Some things may be hard to do, but working hard and dedication is all worth it in the end.
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